When U Hate the Holidays Funny Quotes

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Permit's face information technology, the holidays are stressful. So take the edge off with some funny Christmas quotes.

From shopping for the perfect gifts to cooking a feast for the family, it's surprising that people actually look forward to the holiday hustle and bustle.

To help you lot get through the stress of vacation season, bank check out these 99 funny Christmas quotes to keep you laughing until the new year.

Funny Christmas Quotes

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

Andy Borowitz

Santa Claus has the correct thought. Visit people merely once a year.

Victor Borge

My husband's idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to get Scrooge.

Melanie White

"There are 17 more than shopping days until Christmas. And so, guys, that means xvi more days till we get-go shopping, right?" – Conan O'Brien

One time over again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of u.s. observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Dave Barry

There are some people who want to throw their arms round yous merely because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.

Robert Staughton Lynd

I get a little backside during Lent, but it comes out even at Christmas.

Frank Butler

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.

Bridger Winegar

I haven't taken my Christmas lights downwardly. They await and then nice on the pumpkin.

Winston Spear

"At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional." – Robert Godden

This holiday flavour, no matter what your religion is, delight take a moment to reflect on why information technology's better than all the other ones.

Guy Endore Kaiser

My female parent-in-law has come circular to our house at Christmas seven years running. This twelvemonth we're having a change. We're going to permit her in.

Leslie 'Les' Dawson, Jr.

The master advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you lot need non be struck dumb past the 3 well-nigh terrifying words that the authorities allows to be printed on any product: 'Some assembly required.'

John Leo

Nil's every bit mean every bit giving a picayune child something useful for Christmas.

Kin Hubbard

"I once bought my kids a gear up of batteries for Christmas with a note on information technology saying, 'toys not included.'" – Bernard Manning

What I like virtually Christmas is that you can make people forget the by with the present.

Don Marquis

I hate the radio this time of twelvemonth because they play 'All I Desire For Christmas Is You' like, every other song. And that's merely not enough.

Bridger Winegar

Adults can have a unproblematic vacation for Children and screw it upward. What began every bit a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children effectually the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.

Erma Bombeck

"The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only i fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other." – Johnny Carson

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Garrison Keillor

I dear Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

Henny Youngman

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped past people other than me.

Jerry Seinfeld

Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They're never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.

Lenore Hershey

"Never worry nigh the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all xxx feet alpine." – Larry Wilde

For Christmas this yr, try giving less. Start with less mental attitude. There's more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people volition normally just give it back anyway!

Anne Bristow

I stopped assertive in Santa Claus when I was vi. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.

Shirley Temple

Aren't we forgetting the true pregnant of Christmas. You know, the nascence of Santa?

Matt Groening

"Christmas is a fourth dimension when you get homesick, even when you're home." – Carol Nelson

Let me encounter if I've got this Santa business organization straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under encompass of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug coin?

Tom Armstrong

Who'southward the bane of Santa'due south life? The elf and safety officeholder.

Catherine Tate

Santa Claus wears a Red Accommodate, he must exist a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What'southward in that pipage that he's smoking?

Arlo Guthrie

"Nothing says holiday like a cheese log." – Ellen DeGeneres

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they desire and adults pay for information technology. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for information technology.

Richard Lamm

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Similar I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.

Tom Sims

The one affair women don't desire to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

Joan Rivers

"Mail your packages early so the post office tin lose them in time for Christmas." – Johnny Carson

Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in performance. The new club helps yous save coin to pay for last yr'south gifts.

Unknown

I bought my blood brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took information technology to the souvenir wrap department and told them to wrap information technology, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Steven Wright

Exist careful with drinking this Christmas. I got then drunk last nighttime I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… or, as yous like to call it, delicatessen.

Sean Hughes

"There'south nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child." – Erma Bombeck

Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them practise the washing up.

Wendy Cope

Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I plant myself smile.

Alan Bradley

Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with adjacent yr's money.

Unknown

He who has non Christmas in his middle will never discover it under a tree.

Roy 50. Smith

"Christmas sweaters are just acceptable as a cry for help." – Andy Borowitz

People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces properly if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the 20-5th of Dec.

Ogden Nash

A adept holiday is one spent amid people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.

John B. Priestly

I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns information technology takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and catastrophe.

Fred Rogers

"Pets, like their owners, tend to expand a footling over the Christmas period." – Fanny Wright

Elf has become this large holiday movie, and I recall running around the streets of New York in tights saying, 'This could be the terminal movie I always make,' and I could never have predicted that it'd become such a popular film.

Will Ferrell

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of yr when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-one-time traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally practise this in my family unit by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then nosotros follow her, in very much the same spirit every bit the Three Wise Men, who two,000 years agone followed a star, week after week, until information technology led them to a parking space.

Dave Berry

Next to a circus in that location own't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

Frank McKinney Hubbard

"One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a grouping of people. And also go in mid-December." – Louis C.Thou.

As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December'due south bad weather, information technology is good to be reminded that at that place are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.

Donald E. Westlake

Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.

Unknown

The best Christmas nowadays I got from my husband was a week to do whatever I wanted.

Olivia Haigh Williams

A Christmas shopper'southward complaint is ane of long-continuing.

Unknown

"1 of the well-nigh glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." – Andy Rooney

The magi, as you know, were wise men — wonderfully wise men who brought gifts to the Babe in the manger. They invented the fine art of giving Christmas presents.

O. Henry

Wretched backlog is an unfortunate human being trait that turns a perfectly adept idea such every bit Christmas into a frenzy of last-minute shopping.

Jon Anderson

Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often giddy buying of gifts is that we don't quite know how to put our love into words.

Harlan Miller

"1 good thing most Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the Jan sales." – Grace Kriley

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.

Unknown

Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. And so there is a plural, which in the English language linguistic communication, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to practice.

Jon Stewart

I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar console in my stocking.

Unknown

The Supreme Courtroom has ruled that they cannot have a birth scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for whatever religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Jay Leno

"There is a remarkable breakup of sense of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them." – P.J. O'Rourke

Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like, 'Oh bang-up, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll get slap-up with my sandals. What am I, German?'

Jim Gaffigan

Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and yous don't care, do y'all? Every year, yous just have more of the calendar for yourself. How long does information technology take yous people to store? It'southward beyond belief! Information technology's insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his donkey into it!

Lewis Black

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You lot know what she got me? A homemade frame with a moving-picture show of us from our showtime date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

Anthony Jeselnik

"Merry Christmas, nearly everybody!" – Ogden Nash

I've had this wait for about a year. I commonly grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to get to malls dressed equally Jesus, and I similar to then walk effectually the mall and go, 'No! No! This wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people!' And then if there'due south a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, 'Heed, fat man, you lot're but a clown at my birthday party.'

Marc Maron

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks alee of time. I had all the presents dorsum at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the incorrect wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste material it, so I but wrote 'Jesus' on information technology.

Demetri Martin

If you lot can't wrap Christmas presents well, at least brand information technology look like they put up a expert fight.

Unknown

Christmas: it's the only religious vacation that's also a federal holiday. That fashion, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else tin sit down at home and reflect on the true pregnant of the separation of church and state.

Samantha Bee

"What I don't like near office Christmas parties is looking for a chore the next solar day." – Phyllis Diller

People are then worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New year, but they really should be worried near what they consume betwixt the New Year and Christmas.

Unknown

Mentally I am set for Christmas, financially I am not fix for Christmas.

Unknown

Christmas is a magical fourth dimension of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.

Unknown

Even before Christmas has said Hello, it's saying 'Purchase Purchase'.

Robert Paul

Sending Christmas cards is a adept mode to let your friends and family know that you think they're worth the price of a stamp.

Melanie White

Christmas Shopping: Wouldn't it be wonderful to notice i gift that you didn't have to dust, that had to be used correct away, that was applied, fit everyone, was personal and would be remembered for a long time? I penciled in "Gift certificate for a influenza shot.

Erma Bombeck

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

Unknown

The outdoor Christmas lights, greenish and red and golden and blue and twinkling, remind me that most people are that way all yr circular — kind, generous, friendly and with an occasional moment of ecstasy. But Christmas is the simply fourth dimension they dare reveal themselves.

Harlan Miller

Bloody Christmas, hither again, allow us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.

Wendy Cope

Most of the soap operas always use the Christmas special to kill huge quantities of their characters. So they have trams coming off their runway, or cars slamming into each other or burning buildings. It's a general clean-out.

Baron Fellowes

Christmas to a child is the get-go terrible proof that to travel hopefully is improve than to arrive.

Stephen Fry

Information technology may exist a cliche, but information technology'southward true – the build-upwardly to Christmas is so much more than pleasurable than the actual day itself.

Julie Burchill

Christmas Sense of humour from Books, Films, and Tv set

Out upon merry Christmas! What's Christmas time to you but a fourth dimension for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer…? 'If I could work my will,' said Scrooge indignantly, 'every idiot who goes nigh with Merry Christmas upon his lips should be boiled with his won pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his middle. He should!

Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

"You know you're getting erstwhile, when Santa starts looking younger." – Bart Simpson in The Simpsons: Phenomenon on Evergreen Terrace

Oh look, yet some other Christmas TV special! How touching to have the significant of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer… Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?

Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

Charlie, stay away from those things. They're reindeer, you don't know where they've been. They all look like they've got key lime disease.

Scott Calvin, The Santa Clause

"Rats. Nobody sent me a Christmas carte du jour today. I almost wish there weren't a holiday season. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to take a holiday season to emphasize it?" – Charlie Brown in A Charlie Chocolate-brown Christmas Film

From a commercial betoken of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.

Katharine Whitehorn, Roundabout

How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What's side by side, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?

Santa Claus in Abode Lonely

I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you lot hear is, 'I want this,' 'Become me this,' 'I accept to accept this'… and then there's the children. And they're all by my shop 'cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. Every bit if yous demand a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red adapt. 'Ho, ho, ho,' all day long. So, squeamish as can exist, I get outside, ask him to shut the hell upwardly. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes downward. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I'1000 the bad guy.

Al Bundy, Married With Children

"Christmas shopping. Never an easy or a pleasant chore." – Harry in Dearest Actually

One tin can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come up and gone and I didn't get a single pair. People volition insist on giving me books.

Professor Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

If you see a sign that says 'Peep Show', that doesn't mean they're letting you wait at presents before Christmas.

Male parent Christmas in Elf

We hope these funny Christmas quotes keep you lot laughing until the New Year!

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Source: https://www.keepinspiring.me/funny-christmas-quotes/

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